Globe and Mail: Wednesday, Apr. 21 2004

It is a common mistake, especially for theatre, opera, and symphony lovers, to conclude from the casual attire, beverage choice, and boisterous conduct of hockey fans that watching a game is a cultural event of a lower social order. In reality, the etiquette expected of ice hockey aficionados is quite refined. Ignorance of this etiquette risks turning an invitation to watch an NHL playoff game at the home of a friend, colleague or business associate, into a social disaster. Fortunately, even the novice can avoid embarrassing blunders by learning a few simple rules:

Arrive on time for the start of a game. Hockey fans may not make you wait on the porch for the intermission, but if a goal is scored while you are being greeted your punctuality faux pas may prejudice a future invitation.

Cheer for the host’s team unless you have announced a contrary affiliation in advance, much like a vegan properly reveals a dietary preference before attending a pig-roast fundraiser for the opera. And cheering for the other team simply because you like the colour of their jerseys is considered uncouth.

Remember, each hockey fan considers his or her role as important to the team’s success as that of the players on the ice. Some fans contribute to their team by a complex set of superstitions. While guests may not believe in the power of the hockey gods, they are nonetheless expected to participate. For instance, if the opposing team takes a lead you may be asked to change seats. If you refuse, you can be blamed for the team’s loss. In a recent game, our team was winning until my brother sent his toddlers to bed. Soon we were down by two goals. It turned out that the children’s presence had been key to the team’s lead and perhaps the reason they had so vigorously resisted bedtime. “I’ll go wake up the kids,” I volunteered.

Other fans contribute to the team by intensely concentrating on the game. It would be rude to mock this intensity, much like telling a mesmerized opera lover, “Relax, it’s just singin’ and yellin’.” Hockey fans are willing to suffer tremendous anxiety for their team, even to pay the ultimate price. A recent study found that the anxiety suffered by fans during games sometimes brings on fatal heart attacks. At least the players have the chance to work off their nervous energy — a luxury the fan does not enjoy, except for the odd sprint to greet late arrivals at the door.

If the opposing team scores, quietly gauge the host’s reaction. At the very least, allow the host to move uninterrupted through feelings of guilt, denial, anger, and acceptance. Later, it is always helpful to blame the referee, the seating arrangement or bad luck for the team’s misfortune. On the other hand, remarking on the skill of the opposing team’s scorer can be dangerous and is in any case considered déclassé, like hooting at a sexy stagehand at the theatre.

However, when the home team scores there are few rules to the proper conduct of the celebration, although damaging walls, smashing light fixtures (unless your host is a tenant) or interfering with the electrical cord to the TV are frowned upon. The euphoric mood of the host is also a perfect opportunity for a business associate or friend to bring up a delicate subject, such as the loss of a major contract or running over the family dog on the rush into the driveway to avoid being late.

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Conversation during a game is properly limited to superficial topics. Generally, matters that can be answered with “yes” or “no” are acceptable, except during commercial breaks. Attempting to engage the host in a discussion about the war in Iraq, for example, would be like phoning your stockbroker during a symphony. It is worthwhile noting, however, that hockey fans are eager to share their extensive repertoire of trivial statistics. A fan may not remember his wife’s birthday but would be happy to field a question such as, “Hey, do you know how much [Maple Leafs Captain] Mats Sundin weighs?” or “How tall is [Calgary star] Jerome Iginla?”

Similarly, telephone calls to a hockey fan during the playoffs are best kept to a minimum and, of course, restricted to the intermission. Never phone a hockey fan after 9:30 p.m. during the playoffs, since an overtime period may be in progress. If in doubt, do not call during evening hours until late June, when the playoffs end.

If the host’s team is eliminated from the playoffs, behaviour that is appropriate at a funeral home is expected. For instance, you would never say “Look on the bright side, you still have other relatives.” By the same token, clichés like “There’s always next season” are not appreciated. Instead they expect the passing of their team from competition to be marked with profound solemnity. In fact, intimacy that might otherwise raise eyebrows is perfectly acceptable. A tender hug, even for a business associate, is remembered with fondness.

It is even acceptable for men to weep on the demise of their team. As one caller to a hockey talk show recently admitted, “I have cried only twice in my life, each time when the Maple Leafs were eliminated from the playoffs.” To belittle a man at such a time is like mocking a person moved to tears by fair Juliet’s plight.

By mastering these simple rules, a playoff game can become an enjoyable, even rewarding, cultural experience.