Alternatives Journal, 2004
Canadians know the real reason President George Bush refuses to ratify the Kyoto Protocol, the international accord to avoid destructive climate change. Officially, Bush says it’s about protecting the American economy, but this is only a cover for the real reason, which is sinister and diabolical. It’s really about ice hockey, and the U.S. plot to destroy Canadian superiority in the game.
Our cold winter temperatures guarantee countless hours of practice time on frozen ponds and backyard rinks that turn out a steady supply of the world’s best hockey players. In a warmer world hockey-playing dandies from places like Tulsa, Tampa Bay, and San Jose, with skills honed on artificial indoor rinks, would replace our homegrown superstars like Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux.
The existence of the plot is confirmed by what Bush has said on the issue, and how little sense it makes.
First, Bush said that global warming wasn’t happening. Yes, maybe putting six billion tons of carbon into the planet’s atmosphere each year really has no consequences. It sounds logical only if you have had a few too many pucks to the head. And carbon dioxide doesn’t simply go away at the end of the season — much of it builds up in the atmosphere for about 100 years, like sweat in your hockey equipment.
Outdoor hockey players, the canaries of climate change, have confirmed the global warming theory as they wait in the rain for the ice to freeze. Almost all of the hottest years on record have occurred since Bush Sr. left office in 1992. Even scientists understand the problem. An elite United Nations team of them recently concluded that, “most of the warming of the past 50 years is attributable to human activities”. And it isn’t just slush that worries our hockey-playing nation: extreme weather events have made traditional hazards like slashing, roughing, and high-sticking seem minor in comparison.
Of course, some level of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, along with other greenhouse gases like methane and ozone, is normal and necessary. It’s what keeps enough warmth in the atmosphere to allow us to live on the planet and to enjoy a short beer- drinking season after the hockey playoffs. But the concentration of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere today is higher than it has been for 420,000 years — a full 419,964 years before our beloved Toronto Maple Leafs last won the coveted Stanley Cup.
Second, Bush says the well-being of regular Americans will suffer if the Kyoto Protocol is ratified. He says people are better off to adapt. Perhaps when heat waves become really unbearable, rosy economic numbers will fan and comfort folks.
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In truth, Bush knows that wasteful energy consumption hurts American competitiveness. Each year, the average American emits 5 tons of carbon — equal to the weight of 50 professional hockey players — while the global average is only ten players per capita. Bush says this level of consumption is important to the vitality of the economy. Yet, the same economic models he relies on were previously used to show that cutting waste was the path to a better future.
Bush obviously knows that the Land of the Free would do well to promote technological innovation that relies on wind and solar energy instead of Cruise missiles and a life-consuming and morally ambiguous commitment to oil rich regimes.
Third, Bush says he won’t ratify Kyoto because developing nations are not subject to any reduction targets. In reality, he knows that the first to imitate a change in American ways and lifestyle will be those very nations. The Chinese, for instance, have so successfully imitated America’s transportation policy that they may soon have to give up breathing. The Chinese people, for one, would be eager to follow American models of cleaner energy and more intelligent urban transit.
Finally, Bush pretends he won’t ratify Kyoto because he worries about his old saddle-mates from the oil and gas industry. Yet, Bush has even declared war on nations who are only imagined to have weapons of mass destruction. This can only mean that the oil and gas industry — which actually kills tens of thousands of sports fans annually by routinely blanketing American cities in a noxious haze — would be next on his hit list.
Bush knows that by refusing to ratify Kyoto he is risking America’s technological advantage, the wellbeing of its citizens, even its coastal areas. This shows how far Bush is willing to go to achieve American ice hockey supremacy.
Canadians first suspected the American plot when George Gillette bought the storied Montreal Canadiens hockey franchise, popularly known as the Habs. Then Wendy’s hamburger chain took over Canada’s Tim Horton’s, founded by a hockey player. Finally the National Hockey League, now head-quartered in New York, tried to replace the traditional puck, affectionately known as the biscuit, with a glowing version. But the American regime soon learned that it is more than Habs, donuts, and biscuits that makes us superior on ice — in fact, it is the weather.
When Canada ratified the Kyoto Protocol, we made it clear that we intend to aggressively resist the U.S. plot against our ice hockey superiority. Indeed, our new prime minister should make it a priority to tell Mr. Bush that we will defend our favourite past time until the final buzzer, and by the by to save the planet.
